The Not of You is Unbearable
by brinshannara
Summary: A response to this prompt, from Anonymous: Is Alex hurt in 3x10? How Maggie is going to react? Will she appear at Alex apartment? while the sisters are drinking wine. We need sanvers together, please. Set at the end of 3x10, though I imagine the actual episode will render this entire fic completely invalid. Such is life!


They were sitting on Alex's couch, sipping their wine.

"I'm just glad you're okay," Alex said.

"I'm so sorry that you got hurt," Kara said, her voice pained. "I'm supposed to protect you."

She snorted. "You were kind of trapped in your own mind, Kara," she said, "there wasn't anything you could have done." She finished the last bit of wine in her glass. "Besides, it's just a mild sprain."

"Still," Kara said. "I defend everyone in the city, constantly. And I couldn't protect you?"

"Kara. Don't beat yourself up. You saved me when it counted."

"When?"

Alex looked at her. "The plane? Hello?"

"Oh," Kara laughed. "I guess that's true."

"Dork."

Kara finished her glass and brought them into the kitchen. "Are you going to be okay if I go? Do you need any help?"

Alex shook her head. "I'm fine."

There was a knock at the door.

Alex frowned. "Who on earth could that be?"

Kara was already X-Raying the door. "It's Maggie!" she whispered.

Alex swallowed. "Maybe we can pretend as though I'm not home," she whispered back.

"I saw the light on, Danvers, I know you're in there. Would you please open the door?" Maggie called from the hallway.

"Shit," muttered Alex.

"Should I open it?" Kara asked, quietly.

She took a breath. "Yeah. Okay."

Kara opened the door and Maggie blinked.

"Oh. Hi, Kara," she said, clearly surprised.

"Maggie," Kara acknowledged, keeping the door positioned so Maggie couldn't see Alex on the couch. "Can I help you?"

"I, uh, I was hoping I could talk to Alex. Is she here?"

"I'm on the couch," Alex called. "It's okay, Kara," she said, sounding way braver than she felt.

Kara didn't move. She stood there, blocking Maggie's way.

"Kara," Alex said in warning.

With a sigh, Kara stepped aside to let Maggie in, then shut the door after she'd entered.

"Hi," Maggie said, addressing Alex.

"Hi," Alex replied.

Kara stood there, arms folded, glowering at Maggie.

She looked at the younger Danvers sister. "Uh." She then looked over at Alex. "I was kind of hoping we could speak privately?"

"It's okay, Kara. You can go."

Kara took off her glasses and pulled the front of her shirt open, revealing her costume. She spun in a circle and fully transformed into Supergirl.

Alex tried not to snicker, but the power play was too amusing, especially because Maggie didn't give a damn whether Kara was in glasses or a cape.

"Text me later, Alex," Kara said.

Alex nodded.

"Maggie." She nodded at her sister's ex and then stepped to the balcony window and flew off.

"Your sister hates me," Maggie said, coming further into the apartment and sitting on the arm of the chair, looking over at Alex.

"She's just trying to protect me. Particularly now," Alex said, gesturing to her right ankle, which was wrapped up with a bandage.

"You okay? I, uh, saw you on the news."

Alex sighed. Of course she had. In Reign's latest attack, Alex had been the victim of minor collateral damage, getting trapped under a car, her ankle caught. "I'm fine," she said. "It's just a sprain, some minor cuts."

"Good. I'm glad you're okay."

They sat there in silence for a moment. Alex wanted to say so many things, but she resisted.

"Is, uh… is there anything else?" Alex finally asked, awkwardly.

"I guess that's a fair question," she said. She took a breath and stood. She started to pace. "I just… I saw you get pulled out from under that car on the news… and there was like, blood and you weren't conscious and… I felt my heart skip a beat." She stopped and turned to look at Alex. "I needed to know you were all right."

Alex nodded. "I'm fine," she said. The implication was clear. If Alex was fine, Maggie could go. And Alex needed her to go or she was going to propose to her all over again. The truth of the matter was that all Alex wanted after Reign's attack was to be held by Maggie, kissed by Maggie, _loved_ by Maggie. But nothing had changed. She still wanted kids. Maggie, to her knowledge, still didn't. So she had to be strong.

Maggie swallowed visibly. "Okay, so that's not all," she said.

Alex nodded, waiting for what Maggie had to say.

"I needed you to know that I still love you," she said, quietly, sitting down on the couch next to Alex.

"Maggie," she murmured, shaking her head.

"I know. I know. It's over. And I know that. And it's fine." She laughed at herself. "I'm lying," she admitted, "it's not fine. And it might never be fine. But I had to tell you, one more time, that I love you."

Alex took a breath. "I know," she said. "But…"

"I know. It's over. But I love you."

She shrugged. "I don't know what to say."

"Do you still love me?"

"Maggie," Alex said, shaking her head. "Don't…"

"Do you still love me?" she asked again.

Alex looked away, unable to meet her gaze.

"Alex."

"Yes, okay?" she confessed. "Yes." She stared forward at her bandaged foot, still not able to bring herself to look at Maggie, to lose herself in those deep, brown eyes. She just didn't trust herself. She couldn't even say the words, lest they unleash a veritable torrent of declarations.

"Okay," Maggie said, standing.

Alex turned and looked up. "Are you… are you _leaving_? _Now_?"

She smiled. "I wanted to make sure you're okay. And needed to tell you that I still love you. And maybe, just maybe, hear it in return."

"And now that you've gotten me to say that I do, you're, what, just going to walk out that door?"

Maggie shrugged. "Unless you ask me to stay."

She took a breath. "We want different things."

"Doesn't mean I don't still want to be with you," she said, "but I can't change your mind if your mind is made up." She tilted her head to the side. "Just knowing you still care… it helps. A little."

Alex scoffed. "And what about me? Do you know how hard it was to say we were over? And now to tell you… to tell you I still…" She exhaled, slowly. "It hurts, Maggie."

"I'm sorry," she said. "I thought, uh, maybe, that, uh, knowing that I still love you would help. The way it helps me. You know?"

"Well, it doesn't," Alex said, harshly. She pulled her crutches to her and stood up on her left leg. "It doesn't help me," she said, "because I'm the one who broke it off, remember?" She hobbled into the kitchen and rested her crutches against the bar. With only a bit of difficulty, she spun around and grabbed the half-empty wine bottle and refilled her wine glass at the bar. "You're the one who _made_ me say the words, Maggie," she said, after taking a drink.

"I know," Maggie said, approaching the bar.

"Do you have any idea how hard that was for me?" she asked. "How painful? How much I sobbed after you walked out that door and told me I was gonna be a great mom?" Alex leaned on her elbows on the bar, burying her face in her hands.

"I'm sorry, Alex," she said, softly.

"And now," she sniffled, raising her head, tears still rolling down her face, "now you think you can just, what, like _drop by_? And tell me you still _love me_?"

"You're right, I-I'm sorry," Maggie stammered, "I shouldn't have come." She turned and walked to the door. "I'm sorry," she said again, looking at Alex. When she didn't respond, Maggie opened the door and then she was gone.

Alex moved to lock the door angrily behind her, but had momentarily forgotten about her ankle. She took a step towards the door and felt an excruciating amount of pain in her traitorous right ankle. It gave out and she fell down, hard, crying out in pain as she did. Mild sprain or not, it hurt like hell.

"Goddammit," she hissed, after landing on the floor, her hands going to her swollen ankle.

"Danvers?" The door re-opened. "Alex? Are you—" Maggie saw Alex grimacing in pain on the kitchen floor. "Shit, what happened?"

"I fell," Alex snapped, "what did you think happened?"

Ignoring Alex's remark, Maggie stepped over her to retrieve the crutches and rested them against the counter nearby. "Think you can stand?" she asked.

Alex sighed. "Yes."

"Okay, then," Maggie said, holding out her hands.

Alex sat there, stubbornly.

"Come on, Danvers, let me help you up and back to the couch or whatever and then I'll be out of your way."

She took a breath. "Fine," she said. She grasped Maggie's hands and tried not to think about how good even that contact between them felt. With some difficulty, she pulled herself up and braced herself against the bar, while Maggie handed her first one, then the other crutch. "Thanks," she said, belatedly.

"You need anything?"

Alex moved forward on the crutches a couple of times and winced.

"What? What is it?" Maggie asked.

She sighed. "I'm going to need to ice and elevate my ankle," she said.

"Okay. Where?"

Alex looked longingly towards her bed and then decided the couch would be a better plan. No steps to get in the way of going to the washroom, after all. "The couch, I guess," she said. She sighed again and turned, moving for the fridge.

"No, you go and lie down," Maggie said, sternly. "I'll get the ice."

"No, you, you don't have to… help. It's… I'll be fine."

"Danvers. I'm not leaving until I'm confident you're as okay as can be, given the situation."

Alex bowed her head in defeat. "Thanks," she muttered again, as she made her way to the couch. At the far end, she stacked two pillows and placed one at the near end, for her head. She sat herself down in the middle of the couch, placing the crutches near her on the floor, then swung her injured ankle up and on to the pillows while simultaneously laying back. After a couple of adjustments, Alex was pretty much flat on her back, with her ankle elevated. She'd clenched her teeth against the pain through the movement. Her ankle was clearly upset by her trying to take a step on it.

"Stupid, stupid," she muttered to herself. She grabbed the remote from the coffee table and turned on the television, flipping through the stations and finally stopping on an episode of some mindless sitcom. Hopefully, it would be able to distract her from the pain.

Maggie came over to the couch, a dry dishtowel in one hand, a damp one containing a large baggie of crushed ice in the other. "Up," she instructed.

Alex lifted her right foot off the pillows and Maggie slid the double-folded dishtowel beneath it.

"Down."

Alex let her foot down slowly and then started to sit up.

"What do you need?"

"Just gotta take off the bandage," she said, struggling to sit up, given the angle of her leg.

"I got it," Maggie said. "Relax."

Alex sighed again. "Thanks," she grumbled.

Carefully, deliberately, Maggie started to undo the compression bandage. Alex tried not to think about how much she enjoyed the brief touches of Maggie's fingers against her skin. It had been so long and she had missed her so much that even those light brushes felt amazing.

Once done, Maggie placed the bandage on the coffee table, within Alex's reach. "Ready for the ice?"

"Yeah." Alex braced herself for the cold and for the pain.

Maggie slowly lowered the towel to Alex's ankle and gently let it rest on the interior of the ankle.

Alex winced, sucking in air through her teeth.

"That okay?"

She nodded. "That's the spot," she said, eyes closed, lips tight. "It's cold and it hurts, but I'll be fine," she said, through gritted teeth.

"Can you take something for the pain?" Maggie asked.

She shook her head. "Just took some less than an hour ago. I have, uh…" She looked at her watch. "Three hours and twenty-seven minutes to go before I can take any other medication."

Maggie made a face. "Are you… I mean…"

"What?"

"Should I stay?"

Alex's eyes widened. Part of her wanted nothing more than to be tended to by Maggie. She briefly imagined resting her head on Maggie's lap, Maggie's fingers delicately playing with her hair, tracing her eyebrows, lulling her to sleep. But she couldn't do it, she couldn't fall into old habits, she couldn't. She mustn't. "Uh," she said, "um, I… No, you know, I'll be, uh, I'll be fine."

Maggie folded her arms and looked at Alex critically. "Danvers."

She narrowed her eyes. "Sawyer."

Maggie blinked. "You haven't called me Sawyer in forever," she commented, uncrossing her arms and putting her hands on her hips.

Alex shrugged. "It felt appropriate."

"Oh, I get it," she said, "because that way, you can keep me at a distance, right?"

Alex laid back and stared at the ceiling. It was true. _Sawyer_ was an annoying NCPD cop who infringed on her crime scene. _Sawyer_ was a mysterious woman she knew very little about. _Sawyer_ was someone who kept her feelings bottled up.

But _Maggie_ was someone else entirely. _Maggie_ was the woman she fell in love with. _Maggie_ had accepted her proposal. _Maggie_ was the person who helped her to see herself for the first time, at the age of twenty-eight.

It helped to call her Sawyer, but it was tremendously difficult to do in practice.

"Alex," she said, kneeling by her.

"I'm fine. You can go," she forced herself to say, eyes watering.

"Alex, something… something tells me you don't want me to go." She reached out and took Alex's hand.

"Of course I don't _want_ you to go," Alex finally said, letting things out. "But you can't stay. You can't."

"Why not?"

"Because nothing has changed in the last ten minutes," she explained, choking back a sob. "We can… we can love each other all we want but…" She squeezed her eyes shut. "But if we want different things, it doesn't matter." She pulled her hand back and turned her head towards the back of the sofa. "You should go."

Maggie stood. "'What if?' has no power against 'what if not?'. The not of you is unbearable," she said.

She frowned and turned her head to look at Maggie. "What?"

"It's a quote," she said, "from a book by Jeanette Winterson." She paced in front of the fireplace. "And honestly, Alex, it's how I feel. _The not of you is unbearable._ So… If you want kids, Alex, then we'll have kids."

She blinked. "Excuse me?"

Maggie stopped pacing and turned to face her. She took a breath and nodded. "I can't just keep living my life without you, Alex. I told you before that I couldn't imagine my life without you in it. I meant it, even then."

Alex pushed herself up on elbows. "So you're just… you're just suddenly okay with having kids?"

Maggie bit her lip. "I mean, not like, tomorrow," she said, "because I do want some time to enjoy us together. Just us. But in time… if that's what it means to be with you, then yes."

"You're messing with me."

"I'm not," she said, simply. "I've been thinking about it, getting used to the idea, ever since you brought it up," she explained. "I just…" She smiled for a moment and Alex felt her heart leap. "I just believe that life is too short and we should be who we are." She walked back to the sofa and knelt at Alex's side. "And we should kiss the girls we wanna kiss."

Alex raked the fingers of her right hand through Maggie's hair and to the back of her neck. She pushed herself forward as she pulled Maggie towards her and their lips met in a sweet kiss.

They broke apart and both women had tears spilling down their faces.

"You're really okay with it?" Alex asked in a whisper, not daring to believe it could possibly be true.

" _The not of you is unbearable,_ " she repeated. "I need you, Alex. And if that comes with kids and you working for a secret government agency and having a sister-in-law who's an alien… then that's fine. Because I love you, Alex Danvers, with every piece of my soul."

"I love you, Maggie," Alex said, quietly. "But…" She exhaled. "I can't ask you to make that sacrifice." She swallowed. "A sacrifice I couldn't make."

Maggie shook her head. "Life… Alex, life doesn't always go the way you think it will," she said. "So I never pictured myself as a mom. I never pictured myself fighting for alien rights, never pictured myself being kicked out as a kid, never pictured myself being as happy as you've made me." She leaned in and kissed Alex lightly. "I'm all in, Danvers." She paused. "If you'll have me, of course."

"Are you kidding?" She wrapped her arms around Maggie as best she could from her position on the couch. "I never want to let go of you again."

Within a few minutes, Maggie was sitting on the couch with a glass of wine, Alex's head was resting on her lap and Maggie was lazily playing with Alex's hair.

"Speaking of things one never pictures," Alex murmured, "I never pictured me going from being in a ton of physical and emotional pain to being this content in the span of a half hour."

Maggie smiled and scratched Alex's head, lightly. "See? Life can pleasantly surprise you now and again, Danvers."

Alex smiled, closed her eyes and, eventually, drifted off to sleep, feeling loved and safe for the first time in months.


End file.
